I'm sort of sick. Probably picked it up from N, my 3 year old friend, who I babysat this week.

Total culture shock by the way - nothing like moving to the burbs, and doing a commute, daycare, and parenting for a week to make you re - examine your own life. It's good to be back - back in the city, where I walk places, go get a good cup of coffee, and eat a good bagel. Connectedness is so important to me - having neighbors around who I know, having fun places to go in the neighborhood, being able to get from one place to the other without getting into a car.

So today, even though I was driving to the local branches of large chains, I am so grateful for where I live, and for the people I live with. I'll trade a fancier house any day if it means I live with people who like me, in a neighborhood that I like to live in.

Time for more advil - stupid fever.

Robots! Taking over the world!

My counselor has given me an assignment. I'm to set aside a non - weekend evening each week, not plan anything, and do only what would be most fun right then. Not work, not major projects, just fun.

God, how did I get to be such a robot?

Tonight is the first night. It's a little bit paralyzing. My mind is spinning from the heinous week at work and I catch myself looking to the weekend, wanting to get started on various projects, trying to catch up on things that I've let slide. Stop. This is play time.

What do I truly want to do tonight? Definitely not schmooze with housemates, I love them dearly but I'm tired, and don't want to deal with it. Dancing? Yes. Cuddles and laughter and sweaty bodies will happen there, that will be fun. But what about now? Music, this needs music. Pandora is playing, much nicer. But where to eat? Good grief,

This feels like when the ex - BF and I broke up. I would spend endless hours swimming around in my fishbowl, frozen, half heartedly choosing things, wishing that someone would decide for me again. Crap.

I'm feeling such empathy for teenyboppers right now - overprogrammed, overstimulated, texting/typing/talking/listening/tuned in/always wanting something to do. Maybe my time as a social outcast was good for something - I spent a lot of time doing what I'm trying to do now, diddling around, writing stories, drawing pictures, singing along with the radio, being painfully unpopular but making my own fun. Lord, let me know when my brain has been de - programmed. Sheesh.

And inhale...

I'm finally catching my breath long enough from the grantapplicationworkworkworkdancework danceplayshoppingworkworkworkdance rhythm to stop and post.

Many boring things have been happening, and a few fun things. Spring is starting to kick into gear (after it snowed on me last week), and I'm getting more yoga into my day, which feels so good, and getting not enough art done, which feels less good. I'm reconnecting with friends, and am already making plans for summer (Faerieworlds anyone?) that are *so good*.

Today, driving home from work, I was struck by the beauty of the blue sky, the clear yellow sunlight, and the warmth on my face after a long winter. Life is good.

What I'm listening to: Paul Van Dyk, "Reflections"

Goodness, somehow the last week got away from me.

I've been in the throes of the Greeting Card Death March, making about 50 in the last two weeks or so. Which is wonderful for the business, great for the pocketbook, but I'm finally catching up a little bit. Maybe it's all the fumes from the glue or the daylight savings change, but I'm a little tired tonight. Ate with the housemates, then did slow yoga, tried to calm my hamstrings enough so I could stand nicely. Sitting in that office makes me so tight, I hate it - I get off work and I hobble home, trying to make it until I can stretch them out again.

Many things have happened since my last post, but in general things are still the same. This year I'm working on expanding my social circle, meeting new people, trying out new situations. I'm having a lot of fun with this - going to parties, talking to new people. Dancing a lot.

I still have a ways to go - a big part of me is petrified that the rest of the body is out there trying to talk to scary new people in scary new places, but I'm trying not to pay attention.

License!

I can't believe it, I think I'm going to go throw up and pass out now. I did it - I just applied for my business license.

Wow.

What's amazing and truly fabulous about this is that this project has been in the works for upwards of 3 years. When ExBF and I got together, I was doing art - doing poetry, painting, doing little things, having a good time at that. And before that, I had dreams of actually finishing both the Zoology and the art degree - even though we all know how that one turned out. Then, about year 2 of being with ExBF, I started to realize that people would pay money for my work, and seemed to really like it. So I made more of them, put together an extremely lame - o website, and didn't do anything further with it. Somehow Real Life (tm) turned out to get in the way one way or the other - either I was dealing with a (then) BF crisis, or totally broke, or being convinced that I should go to graduate school. So it never happened, I moved my art supplies a few times, and then eventually threw them away.

Then, went to school, and I told my (fashionable and wise) friend that my Super Secret Plan was to become an artist and ditch all this public health stuff. She thought that was a good idea. I sort of blew it off, kept making art and not making any money at it, and totally buying into the idea that what I needed was a Real Job, and the business never happened.

Fast forward to last fall - my relationship was falling apart, I had a lot of time on my hands, and somehow I was able to hear that Yes, this was a good idea. Now sans ExBF, I have time, money, and space to work with, and things start to fall together.

Sure, I made an etsy site (not ready for public consumption yet), but it didn't seem real. Made my first sale. But today, today it seems real - I'm going to have a license. Yeesh.

Dandelions! Crocuses!

It's spring! It's spring!

Well, nearly.

For what it's worth, the dandelions are growing, the leaves are starting to come back on the trees, and the crocuses are up. That has to count for something, I guess.

I'm still sick, but dragging myself out of bed to work. Bleagh. Of course it doesn't help that what I really want is to a) quit, b) become a fabulously productive artist and c) get paid mucho moola to do it. I won't, though. I'm trying to stay focused, get that order for 36 cards done (just assembling the last of them now), and build it slow and steady.

Pity Party!

I'm back, from a great trip to the bay area to see a good friend. But now I'm sick, and sleepy, and cranky. Time to curl up in bed with a book, and pity myself.

I've always believed in the power of pity - it's so important to have someone (even if it's you) stop, acknowledge how horrible things are right now, and give you a hug. Very healing.

Going with the flow

Saturday I realized that the lesson I'm living right now is to go with the flow. To take what the universe gives me with open arms, knowing that I have all the resources I need, and that I am already dancing the dance that I most need right now.

Translated from Squishy: Stop fighting everything, stupid, and it'll stop being so hard.

Which is harder than it sounds - I've been doing a lot of fighting, and it's hard to step back, have faith, and accept good things.

Case in point: Housemates. As you all know, I've been getting a little bit fatalistic about the dearth of housemates to fill our 2 slots. But since I've been giving it an Honest Effort we've now got one fabulous moving in on the 1st and more emerging from the wings.

What's particularly poignant is that I resisted her when she first interviewed some weeks ago. And she also decided she didn't like the room. But now, she re - contacted us, and I went with the flow, and now I can realize how easygoing and responsible she is.

I can hardly wait for the next person - he or she is surely a blessing waiting to come my way.

Yes, I mind.

It is so hard to speak the truth sometimes. I'm working on speaking truth to other people, allowing them to be who they are, and respecting my truth when I respond. It's so much easier to just be a hardass and Lay Down the Law or to just roll over and take what other people give to you. Definitely easier to say things you don't really mean, or exaggerate the truth - It's no big deal. Sure, I'd love to hang out soon. I forgive you. I'm doing really well. Being in the middle is tricky.

Ex, as many people do, happily emailed me a month ago, I responded, and then - Nothing. Silence. Extremely Irritating. So today, after a month of stewing about this, I finally did what I do with other people - I revived the thread. Responding to his email this afternoon, I am struck by how hard it is to speak the truth. To say what is true and real, without glossing things over, honoring what is and what isn't, and without being a jerk about it. Must have taken an hour to respond and get it right - editing out the glossy bits, taking out the things I don't want to share now, putting in the things that I'm dancing around.

But the release, the freedom in my heart, it's beautiful. Hard won, and precious, speaking the truth is so humbling.

TMBG Rawks!

Ah, so they do.

Strange night - interviewing potential housemates continues, and the resultant dinners with new people is of varying strangeness. Tonight's guest decided not to move here, but I think that's for the best. He sort of failed the Alvi the Small Social Skills test. If he'd been excited about being here, that would have been surmountable, but as it is, not a bad outcome for the evening.

I've been battling a cold all week - just dancing on the edge of not really being sick, but not really being well either. It's forced me to be a lot more quiet than usual - doing a lot more yoga at home, a lot more reading, a lot of resting. I'm trying to listen to my body and do things that will make it feel well.

Outside, the edge of winter is just starting to smooth over and the light is just starting to return.

Catching up

I'm exhausted. A good night to lie on the bed, plug into some music, and chill out. This weekend just got away from me - some plans didn't happen, some did, and some extra ones popped up.

Spent part of Sunday walking through a park near my house. I love this space, primarily (but not only) because the drive into the park reminds me so much of the stretch of highway 101 just north of the California border that leads into San Francisco. You start in the usual 40's tract homes and their remodeled cousins, and then into a few patches of older houses, and then suddenly into a narrow winding road that climbs gingerly down the hill toward thicker trees.

My friend and I walk down muddy trails, up the sandy ones, and even though we usually like to catch up on gossip, we're quiet today. Just the sounds of the dog nosing through the leaves and vines on the ground, and the sounds of our lungs trying to keep up as we climb the hill. Then, we crest the hill, and pause to look west over the water through the trees. The trees haven't leafed out yet - some kind of maple? or oak? - and the red - brown trunks are just a flimsy screen between us and the sound below. Deep, dark blue water below, and stunning clear blue - gray skies above.

Then, back down the hill, curving back through the damp meadow, picking up the thread of the usual conversations at the car.

Not a bad way to end the weekend, all in all.

#1: Butternut Squash with Nuts

For those of you who receive a CSA box or who have a winter garden, you know the curse of winter squash - silky, sweet, luscious, multiplying like rabbits and ready to take over the world.

Thus, 101 Ways to Cook Squash, an ongoing series.

Today, a savory squash – filling, hearty, good all on its own or with a little shave of parmesan cheese, or some bitter green salad. I found a similar recipe somewhere on the internet and tinkered a little bit – everyone in the House loved it.

Butternut squash with nuts

Ingredients:
1 C chopped walnuts (toast a little in your frying pan)
3 TB soy margarine (or butter if you can swing it)
1 onion, chopped
1 regular butternut squash, peeled, seeded, cubed.
Salt and Pepper
1 C Napa cabbage (or other mild green)

1. Toast your walnuts on the stove in a dry frying pan until fragrant. Remove from heat and chop roughly.
2. Melt the margarine in the pan, add onion and sauté until tender and very slightly brown.
3. Stir in the squash, cover the pan, cooking until done but not mushy, perhaps on the al dente side. This takes about 10 minutes.
4. Stir in the cabbage and the nuts, and adjust seasoning.

Waiting for Imbolc

Apologies, Dear Reader - I’ve been Away, house sitting, without Internet. Not a bad gig – I watch TV, walk the dog, read, rest. It's wonderful to be back at the House with Dear Housemates, though.

Right now we are between New Year’s and Imbolc, which is the halfway point between Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox. We’ve made our resolutions, and are waiting for the perfect moment to release them into the world. After the darkness of the Solstice, the light is starting to emerge, so faintly you almost can’t tell. This lends a certain quality to January that I love – a sense that this time doesn’t count, is only practice for the real work in another few weeks.

I’m spending January preparing for the year. This year I’ll be bringing dreams for my life to reality, solidifying diffuse ideas into something true and concrete. Time to start spending my energy on my plans, to see which ones work and where they will take me.

Last year I was pruning – casting aside all the extras, familiar ideas, old patterns, old branches and leaves. I’ve only started building during the past 3 months or so – gradually starting to re – member forgotten dreams and visions about who I am and what world I want to live in. Now all that’s left is to put small changes to work – how I spend my minutes, where my dollars go, things like that.

Like wintering cherry trees, saving precious energy in their roots, I’m trying to eke by until Spring, when I can explode upwards into a halo of blossoms and new branches. I can’t wait.