License!

I can't believe it, I think I'm going to go throw up and pass out now. I did it - I just applied for my business license.

Wow.

What's amazing and truly fabulous about this is that this project has been in the works for upwards of 3 years. When ExBF and I got together, I was doing art - doing poetry, painting, doing little things, having a good time at that. And before that, I had dreams of actually finishing both the Zoology and the art degree - even though we all know how that one turned out. Then, about year 2 of being with ExBF, I started to realize that people would pay money for my work, and seemed to really like it. So I made more of them, put together an extremely lame - o website, and didn't do anything further with it. Somehow Real Life (tm) turned out to get in the way one way or the other - either I was dealing with a (then) BF crisis, or totally broke, or being convinced that I should go to graduate school. So it never happened, I moved my art supplies a few times, and then eventually threw them away.

Then, went to school, and I told my (fashionable and wise) friend that my Super Secret Plan was to become an artist and ditch all this public health stuff. She thought that was a good idea. I sort of blew it off, kept making art and not making any money at it, and totally buying into the idea that what I needed was a Real Job, and the business never happened.

Fast forward to last fall - my relationship was falling apart, I had a lot of time on my hands, and somehow I was able to hear that Yes, this was a good idea. Now sans ExBF, I have time, money, and space to work with, and things start to fall together.

Sure, I made an etsy site (not ready for public consumption yet), but it didn't seem real. Made my first sale. But today, today it seems real - I'm going to have a license. Yeesh.

Dandelions! Crocuses!

It's spring! It's spring!

Well, nearly.

For what it's worth, the dandelions are growing, the leaves are starting to come back on the trees, and the crocuses are up. That has to count for something, I guess.

I'm still sick, but dragging myself out of bed to work. Bleagh. Of course it doesn't help that what I really want is to a) quit, b) become a fabulously productive artist and c) get paid mucho moola to do it. I won't, though. I'm trying to stay focused, get that order for 36 cards done (just assembling the last of them now), and build it slow and steady.

Pity Party!

I'm back, from a great trip to the bay area to see a good friend. But now I'm sick, and sleepy, and cranky. Time to curl up in bed with a book, and pity myself.

I've always believed in the power of pity - it's so important to have someone (even if it's you) stop, acknowledge how horrible things are right now, and give you a hug. Very healing.

Going with the flow

Saturday I realized that the lesson I'm living right now is to go with the flow. To take what the universe gives me with open arms, knowing that I have all the resources I need, and that I am already dancing the dance that I most need right now.

Translated from Squishy: Stop fighting everything, stupid, and it'll stop being so hard.

Which is harder than it sounds - I've been doing a lot of fighting, and it's hard to step back, have faith, and accept good things.

Case in point: Housemates. As you all know, I've been getting a little bit fatalistic about the dearth of housemates to fill our 2 slots. But since I've been giving it an Honest Effort we've now got one fabulous moving in on the 1st and more emerging from the wings.

What's particularly poignant is that I resisted her when she first interviewed some weeks ago. And she also decided she didn't like the room. But now, she re - contacted us, and I went with the flow, and now I can realize how easygoing and responsible she is.

I can hardly wait for the next person - he or she is surely a blessing waiting to come my way.

Yes, I mind.

It is so hard to speak the truth sometimes. I'm working on speaking truth to other people, allowing them to be who they are, and respecting my truth when I respond. It's so much easier to just be a hardass and Lay Down the Law or to just roll over and take what other people give to you. Definitely easier to say things you don't really mean, or exaggerate the truth - It's no big deal. Sure, I'd love to hang out soon. I forgive you. I'm doing really well. Being in the middle is tricky.

Ex, as many people do, happily emailed me a month ago, I responded, and then - Nothing. Silence. Extremely Irritating. So today, after a month of stewing about this, I finally did what I do with other people - I revived the thread. Responding to his email this afternoon, I am struck by how hard it is to speak the truth. To say what is true and real, without glossing things over, honoring what is and what isn't, and without being a jerk about it. Must have taken an hour to respond and get it right - editing out the glossy bits, taking out the things I don't want to share now, putting in the things that I'm dancing around.

But the release, the freedom in my heart, it's beautiful. Hard won, and precious, speaking the truth is so humbling.

TMBG Rawks!

Ah, so they do.

Strange night - interviewing potential housemates continues, and the resultant dinners with new people is of varying strangeness. Tonight's guest decided not to move here, but I think that's for the best. He sort of failed the Alvi the Small Social Skills test. If he'd been excited about being here, that would have been surmountable, but as it is, not a bad outcome for the evening.

I've been battling a cold all week - just dancing on the edge of not really being sick, but not really being well either. It's forced me to be a lot more quiet than usual - doing a lot more yoga at home, a lot more reading, a lot of resting. I'm trying to listen to my body and do things that will make it feel well.

Outside, the edge of winter is just starting to smooth over and the light is just starting to return.

Catching up

I'm exhausted. A good night to lie on the bed, plug into some music, and chill out. This weekend just got away from me - some plans didn't happen, some did, and some extra ones popped up.

Spent part of Sunday walking through a park near my house. I love this space, primarily (but not only) because the drive into the park reminds me so much of the stretch of highway 101 just north of the California border that leads into San Francisco. You start in the usual 40's tract homes and their remodeled cousins, and then into a few patches of older houses, and then suddenly into a narrow winding road that climbs gingerly down the hill toward thicker trees.

My friend and I walk down muddy trails, up the sandy ones, and even though we usually like to catch up on gossip, we're quiet today. Just the sounds of the dog nosing through the leaves and vines on the ground, and the sounds of our lungs trying to keep up as we climb the hill. Then, we crest the hill, and pause to look west over the water through the trees. The trees haven't leafed out yet - some kind of maple? or oak? - and the red - brown trunks are just a flimsy screen between us and the sound below. Deep, dark blue water below, and stunning clear blue - gray skies above.

Then, back down the hill, curving back through the damp meadow, picking up the thread of the usual conversations at the car.

Not a bad way to end the weekend, all in all.